A bold proposal, with some Wiggle room
On the Mark — By Craig Marks
To the Blue Wiggle:
First of all, let me say that you and your bandmates — the Wiggles — were my daughter’s favorite group when she was a preschooler. No car trip lacked your tunes, and your catchy songs became ingrained in our heads. I’ve since recorded over the songs on our Wiggles mix tapes, but I still sense their presence. I may be listening to “Exile on Main Street,” but “Fruit Salad” and “Captain Feathersword Fell Asleep on his Pirate Ship” are somehow seeping through.
I just asked my daughter, now 13, about your band. She said, “Oh, yeah. I wanted to marry them.”
But now the news from Wiggle Land is about breakups. It was announced last week that three of the four original members — the red Wiggle (Murray Cook), the yellow Wiggle (Greg Page) and the purple Wiggle (Jeff Fatt) — are calling it quits after this year. Only you, Blue (Anthony Field), will be left from the original 1991 group.
You need new Wiggles. Well, color me interested.
At first I may not appear to be the perfect candidate to join your band. I cannot sing. Nor dance. Nor play an instrument. Smiling for extended periods is not my strong suit. I am not from your native country, Australia, though I’ve eaten at the Outback many times, despite the inevitable wait.
But I believe my spoken-word, William Shatner-esque readings of your songs will prove memorable to your young audience. And I’ve come up with a character that will go along well with Blue, “the perennially hungry Wiggle” and Purple, “the perennially sleepy Wiggle.” Children will know me as Puce, “the easily winded Wiggle.” (Note: I’ve saved you the trouble and already bought the shirt.)
But my biggest asset could be behind the scenes. You need someone with business sense. According to an article on the news.com.au website, your band, which has sold millions upon millions of CDs and DVDs, lost $2.5 million in the last fiscal year. Which pirate have you been dealing with, Captain Feathersword or Captain J.P. Morgan?
And who’s the dinosaur brain that convinced you a few years ago to leave the Disney Channel for PBS’ 24-hour preschool channel, Sprout? On my cable system, Sprout requires the purchase of an additional package costing $5.95 a month. Asking fans to pony up extra cash was the wrong move for Howard Stern, and it was the wrong move for you.
In recent years, other kid bands, such as Nickelodeon’s “Yo Gabba Gabba!,” have stolen some of your thunder. I would suggest we take on the “Yo Gabba Gabba!” creatures in an all-out music war, but they appear to be aliens and may eat us.
Oh, look at me, talking as if I were already a member of the band. I know there is a process to follow, which is why I’m sending you an audition tape. If you misplace it, it’s the one that has the word “Wiggles” crossed out, replaced by “Springsteen,” which has since been crossed out and replaced again by “Wiggles.” I anxiously await your reply.
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