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A historic moment calls for tart opinions

11/1/2012 - West Side Leader
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By Craig Marks

This is an extraordinary time in Ohio, with the eyes of an anxious nation upon us. It is not an understatement to say that, with our actions, we will shape the future of our country — nay, the world — and I’m well aware that a forum such as this could sway opinions. It is a responsibility I do not take lightly.

With that in mind, I offer my thoughts on several concerns, having weighed my words carefully and taken into consideration the impact they could have.

We should not put breakfast food in our kids’ trick-or-treat bags. It’s just plain wrong.

On the October grocery store shelves I saw fun-sized Halloween pouches containing morsels of Krave cereal (chocolate-covered chocolate, topped with chocolate) and something called “Scary Berry Pop-Tarts.” Each “Pop-Tart” is the size of a smartphone chip and about as tasty. They have no frosting or chewy filling, making them perfect for those who think the best part of a lollipop is the stick. They could also be useful in mosaics.

This cereal-as-Halloween-treat phenomenon has not yet reached epidemic proportions, but it needs to be stopped. Otherwise, it won’t be long before the house two doors down drops pancakes or hot scoops of Cream of Wheat into little Spider-Man’s sack of goodies.

Along the same vein, I’m not sure about Cap’n Crunch, Golden Grahams and other cereals being offered as toppings in frozen yogurt shops, but I’m not yet ready to give my official opinion.

Ignore the criticism. Digital billboards are the way to go.

But only after the special enhancement I have planned for them. It would involve supplying every driver in Akron with 3-D glasses, but trust me, the effect will be well worth it.

Ken Babby, who just purchased the Akron Aeros, should learn from the actions of the new Cleveland Browns owner.

Nothing endeared Jimmy Haslam to Browns fans more than his angry reactions during the Browns-Colts game, his first as owner. When a Cleveland player dropped the ball or the head coach made a dubious decision, the camera would cut to the owner’s box, and Haslam’s frustration would be evident.

Babby should take his cue from this. A few headlines like “Aeros lose on error; owner needed to be tranquilized after Hulk-like rampage” would show fans that the guy in charge is passionate about winning. It might also keep fans from lingering at the ballpark after losses.

Four-year-olds with the sniffles should not be allowed to name products.

In the Sunday paper was a coupon for a product called “Boogie Wipes.” I’m going to pretend it’s used by disco dancers to remove makeup.

Cereal does not belong on frozen yogurt.

Ok, I’m now ready to make it official. Keep the Fruity Pebbles in the pantry, where I can convince myself/fool myself into believing it’s part of a balanced breakfast, not a dessert topping.

Well, Ohioans, I made sure my voice was heard. Now it’s your turn.

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