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Opinion

Not-so-easy rider

4/18/2013 - West Side Leader
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By Craig Marks

On the Mark — By Craig Marks

Craig Marks will be speaking April 20 from 2 to 3 p.m. at the Highland Square Branch Library. He will talk about and read excerpts from his book, “On the Mark: A Compilation of Columns and Cartoons 1992-2012.”

Due to the amount of preparation time required for such an undertaking, Marks was unable to complete a column for this week. But we do have Marks’ performance rider, a list of specific demands he presented to the event organizers.

  • The temperature in Marks’ dressing room shall be 73 degrees F, and the room will be bathed in natural light.
  • The fragrance in the dressing room shall be “Winsome Mulch.”
  • In the dressing room shall be a bowl of freshly picked Crunch Berries. (No red ones.) The bowl must be out of reach of Marks’ two pets, Chris Purrez and Asgerbil Cabrera.
  • Marks demands to be addressed in the second person. As this is basically how everyone is addressed (“you,” “your,” etc.), it’s not something that’s really needed to be said. But Marks wanted it included in this rider, so there it is.
  • Repeatedly checking email or sending texts during a book talk is the height of rudeness. Marks asks you to forgive this habit of his in advance.
  • Questions must be submitted in writing. Those submitted using the ancient writing symbols known as “cursive” will be returned unanswered.
  • Travelers from the future who come to this time for the purpose of witnessing this event firsthand should make all efforts not to alter the course of history.
  • Cell phones should be set to “vibrate.” Air horns should be set to “kind of muffled.”
  • In case of a dispute, retired popes/presidents shall receive preferential seating over the current ones.
  • The selling of bootleg T-shirts, caps and buttons will lead to prosecution and, most likely, awkward moments at Thanksgiving. But Mom should really know better.

See you there.

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