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Opinion

ThistleDown move? That’s a horse of a different county

3/13/2014 - West Side Leader
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By Craig Marks

On the Mark — By Craig Marks

TOP SECRET MEMORANDUM

As you know, Rock Ohio Caesars has asked me to scout possible locations for the ThistleDown Racino if it were to move from its current location in North Randall. I have compiled my suggestions, focusing only on those locations that would be practical and cost-effective.

Converting the Spaghetti Warehouse into a casino

Pros: Lots of space. Downtown location. According to Wikipedia, its chandelier once belonged to the Dunes casino in Las Vegas.

Cons: None

Possible name: Warehouse of Cards

Convert Stan Hywet and Gardens into a casino

Possible slogan: It’s like “Downton Abbey” meets “The Hangover!”

Pros: Racehorses could be kept in the carriage house.

Cons: The Dowager Countess would not approve.

Convert the Harry London chocolate factory into a casino

Pros: Close to the Akron-Canton Airport, situated right off the interstate. From what I know about chocolate factories, their talented work force could easily be retrained to work at a casino.

Cons: While exceedingly bright, Oompa-Loompas can be terribly moralistic.

Convert a woodland area into an outdoor gambling venue

Possible name: Metro Parks, Serving Half-Price Drinks During Happy Hour

Pros: Delightful weather at least three weeks every year

Cons: Acorns falling on roulette wheels might cause confusion

Convert Canal Park ballpark into a casino

Pros: Orbit the Cat would make a good greeter.

Cons: Foul balls landing on blackjack tables could be disruptive.

Possible name: The Lucky Duck Casino (not to be confused with the Lucky Shoe Casino, for the well-heeled gambler).

Convert retired Spirit of Goodyear blimp into a floating casino

Possible name: Caesar’s Cloud Palace

Pros: Would appeal to high rollers not afraid of heights.

Cons: Racehorses may be spooked by the enclosed space.

Convert Akron Zoo into a casino

Possible name: The Flamingo (name may already be taken)

Pros: If we’ve learned anything from cartoons, it’s that an octopus makes a great blackjack dealer and penguins make great waiters

Cons: Snake eyes

I’ll await your decision.

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