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Just desserts

7/31/2014 - West Side Leader
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By Craig Marks

On the Mark — By Craig Marks

LeBron James gave his Bath Township neighbors cupcakes to apologize for the tumult that occurred when the superstar announced he was returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers. It was an act that showed kindness and consideration for others, and we can all learn a lesson from it.

The lesson: When wronged, the cupcake is the new form of restitution. I’ve compiled a list of those who owe me a cupcake, and while it’s far from complete, I think it’s a good start.

  • Weekend event schedulers. This Saturday, Aug. 2, these major events will be taking place: The Cleveland Browns Family Day at InfoCision Stadium, the third round of the Bridgestone Invitational at Firestone Country Club and the Canton Football Hall of Fame Parade.
    For being responsible for this potential traffic nightmare, the schedulers owe cupcakes to all of us who’ll be driving on state Route 8 and Interstate 77. As our cars are likely to be at a standstill, they should have no trouble handing them out to us.
  • Goodyear, for not choosing either of my entries in the “Name the Zeppelin” contest. I’m sorry, but if Goodyear was looking for a name that speaks to the grandeur and reflects upon the great tradition of its airship fleet, I don’t think it could have done better than “Cloud Hoagie” or “Mighty Wiener Dog of the Skies.”
    For choosing “Wingfoot One” over my submissions, Goodyear owes me a cupcake. It should be dropped with a tiny parachute from the new zeppelin’s gondola.
  • The people who made my old LeBron James T-shirts. I took the shirts out of the drawer they’ve been in for the past five years and discovered they had inexplicably shrunk by a couple of sizes, not fitting me at all. Obviously, this is a sign of poor craftsmanship.
    So, the T-shirt makers owe me a cupcake. (They might argue that the reason the shirts no longer fit is due to cupcake consumption, but I will ignore them.)
  • Amazon. I really don’t have a score to settle with Amazon. I just want Amazon to deliver me a cupcake in one of its new drones.
  • The Akron RubberDucks. The team has created extreme food items for James (the Return of the King Burger) and Johnny Manziel (the Johnny Footlong), but they shockingly had no interest in my two athlete-themed food ideas. They passed on the Rayburn in the Outfield (the chef tries to toss a salad but fails miserably) and the Wiggins (freshly picked but given to someone else before you can try it).
    I would ask for a cupcake from the Ducks, but it’s liable to be stuffed with two hamburgers, a pineapple and a kumquat.
  • Identity thieves. It has come to my attention that another area weekly newspaper has a column called “On the Mark.” Learning this was a revelation. All this time, when I would receive compliments for “On the Mark” columns I didn’t recall writing, I would accept the praise, thinking the columns just slipped my mind. (“You say you loved my ‘On the Mark’ column about my husband and grandchildren? Um, thanks!”)

I’m not bothered at all by the other “On the Mark” column (which actually preceded mine by many years), and I will not demand from anyone a forgiveness cupcake. If I did get one, though, it would be a lovely bonus, like icing on the, well, you know.

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