Akron Ohio News - Talking about loved ones helps bereaved face holidays

Acknowledging grief first step

COPLEY — The picture-perfect image that some have of the holiday season can be marred when someone close to you has died recently. And that’s OK.

It’s that point that Rochelle Sheppard, bereavement services coordinator for the Hospice of Visiting Nurse Service (VNS) Center for Loss and Hope, likes to help those struggling with a loss come to understand.

“We have this idea that Christmas is so wonderful, this ‘White Christmas’ ideal and Hallmark Christmas,” she said. “But for a griever, it’s not perfect. That’s one of the reasons it’s hard for them, because of the fact that they’ve lost a loved one.”

She added that some who are grieving are self-conscious about it and then choose to avoid dealing with their pain during the holidays.

“Grievers will say, ‘I don’t want to spoil someone else’s Christmas so I’ll hold my loss in. I don’t want to spoil it for the children or grandchildren, so I’ll pretend nothing happened,’” she said. “Well, pretending never helps.”

Sheppard said it’s important to acknowledge grief, especially during the holiday season. One way to do that is to make sure the deceased is remembered in some way, instead of keeping talk or thoughts of the person under wraps.

“Take some time during the holiday to acknowledge that person,” Sheppard said. “Drink a toast to them, or let’s go around the table and say something about mom we remember or appreciate or something funny.”

Another idea is to light a candle in memory of the person. Sheppard also shared her own family tradition of bringing out a special tablecloth each year on which family members have written the names of those who have passed on.

“Do anything you can do to bring that person into the celebration,” she said.

Sheppard said that when it comes to grieving, we are all different. Still, there are some commonalities among those who have experienced a significant loss.

“Grief affects your body,” she said. “You can expect some physical reactions, such as fatigue, not being able to concentrate, dizziness and confusion.”

In addition to the importance of acknowledging grief, Sheppard recommends that those who are troubled find someone they can talk to about it.

“Express your grief through tears and be able to talk to a trusted friend,” she said.

If someone grieving has no one to turn to, there are other outlets. Support groups meet at Hospice of VNS as well as at local hospitals. Funeral homes are also able to assist those who are grieving, Sheppard said.

Sheppard recently led two special holiday programs at Hospice of VNS and has another planned this season. “Kids and Holiday Grief” will be offered Dec. 12 from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. at the Hospice of VNS Care Center, 3358 Ridgewood Road in Copley. The session will provide support for children ages 6-12 who have experienced a significant loss, such as a parent, sibling or grandparent.

Sheppard said children grieve differently than adults do.

“Children grieve in spurts,” she said. “For example, they will ask what happened to mommy. You will explain and then they ask for a cookie. They take in emotionally as much as they can take in. When they stop, you stop.”

The hospice also plans to present a program for January. “After the Holidays ... Now What?” will take place Jan. 13 from 2 to 3:30 p.m. or 6 to 7:30 p.m. at the Hospice of VNS Care Center. The program will focus on overcoming the low feelings sometimes experienced after major holidays and other special days.

“So many people, even though you tell them not to deny grief during the holidays, they try so hard to please their family that when it’s over with, sometimes people are more depressed,” Sheppard said. “When it’s over you’re exhausted, depressed and sad. And now what do you do?”

The programs are open to all members of the community at no charge. To reserve a spot or for more information, call (330) 668-4662.

Sheppard said Hospice of VNS support groups meet regularly and are open to all. A new eight-week group will begin meeting Jan. 14. There also are monthly groups.

Hospice also has resources available for the public.

“We have a lot of literature,” Sheppard said. “I have a bibliography of grief books that are very good.”

She noted that the Web sites www.AARP.org/family/lifeafterloss and www.griefnet.org also are good places to seek advice.

“There’s a lot of chat rooms out there,” she said. “A lot of people are using the Internet in that way.”

Hospice of VNS officials also recommend the following:

• If the thought of what you used to do during a holiday is overwhelming, cut back on your activities. Make new plans that are not so involved.

• Say “no” if you do not want to do something. If the other person is not pleased, that is OK for now.

• Acknowledge your loved one in some formal manner. Purposely noting your loved one may help everyone recognize and admit to the person’s importance.

• Be kind to yourself after your holidays. Make plans to do something special, such as lunch with a friend or a day trip.

• Be realistic. There are going to be difficult moments. That’s OK.

• Make lists of what you decide you are going to do. Try to stay focused.

Listening one way to help bereaved

COPLEY — When a friend, family member or colleague is dealing with grief, it’s easy to feel helpless.

But Rochelle Sheppard, bereavement services coordinator for the Hospice of Visiting Nurse Service (VNS) Center for Loss and Hope, said there are several things one can do to turn helplessness into helpfulness.

“The No. 1 thing is allow the griever to talk,” Sheppard said. “Even though you may have heard them share that story 10 times, let them share it 11. A griever needs to tell those stories. They need to remember their loved ones.”

Just being there is often a comfort as well.

“Your presence means a lot,” she said.

It’s also a good idea to make sure the bereaved person is taking care of himself or herself by getting enough sleep and eating regularly.

“Can you do little things around the house because they don’t have the energy to dust and clean?” Sheppard said. “Walk their dog for them.”

If you are concerned with how someone is grieving, Sheppard said it’s important to keep in mind that not all people grieve in the same way. Still, there are signs if a person needs help.

“If a person sees themselves being more depressed and spiraling downward into this black hole, they might need help,” Sheppard said. “If they are isolating themselves, they may need help. If they find themselves stuck in their grief and all they can do is ruminate in their loss and not see that there are other things in their lives that are good, they may need help.”

If the person has had multiple losses within a short time, that can also make their grief more difficult to handle.

But Sheppard stresses that a person should tread carefully if they think the bereaved needs help.

“The first thing I would do is ask them, ‘How do you think you are handling this grief? Is there something I can do to help you?’” she suggested. “They may have concerns themselves. Instead of saying, ‘You need to go to a group,’ you might want to get their feedback. If you say it the right way, they might be open.”

She advises that this kind of discussion not take place after spending just a little time with the bereaved.

“If you have been present with them and brought over that cup of soup, you’re building that relationship and keeping that contact,” she said. “Then, when you want to ask that question, they are ready to hear from you because you’ve always been there.”

For details on resources available to help the bereaved, contact Sheppard at (330) 668-4662.

— By Kathleen Folkerth